Don’t be Scared of Real Intimacy in Your Relationship

expert advice

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I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. I have the absolute best human in the world in love with me.

I am not exaggerating. He genuinely is the most kind, most selfless, and the sweetest guy I know.

However, we’ve had some intimacy issues.

I like to think it’s him. He knows it makes me feel better when he takes the blame, but in all honesty… I’ve been the problem.

I struggle with intimacy.

I struggle with allowing another person into my “zone”

I like to be viewed as strong. As impenetrable. As someone who is hardcore and nothing could ever get to me.

When you’re in love, it seems like every wall you’ve worked so hard to build just crumbles down with the touch of a finger. I’ve never wanted to be one of those girls who swoons the instant she’s presented with flowers. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or someone who can be bought with a vase of peonies, and a box of Lady Godiva. Although you can try, I’ll gladly take both.

I had an image in my head of the perfect boss woman that I wanted to become. I was going to be strong, I was going to be powerful, I was going to be untouchable.

Instead, I became cold, detached, and incapable of admitting that I didn’t know how to show affection.

I spent so many years trying to become a version of myself that I thought I needed to be, that I missed out on learning how to truly love, how to be intimate, and how to show my true feelings towards the person I cared about.

Don’t be me.

Be soft. Be gentle. Be loving. It doesn’t make you any less “boss woman”

I envy women who are always so at ease with showing affection. I constantly have to remind myself to do so with my partner. It doesn’t come naturally.

True intimacy is powerful.

However, it’s not something that you experience one time and then you have it for the rest of your life.

Intimacy is something you build between the two of you. It’s your first-born baby. You invest into it, you share all your secrets with it, you feed it, you give it water, you nurture it, and it grows and blossoms.

When you fail to do so, your intimacy deteriorates. Your connection weakens, you’re no longer sharing inside jokes, and you often go to bed at separate times.

The need for love and intimacy is a fundamental human need, as primal as the need for food, water, and air.

Oftentimes, people mistake sex for intimacy. People mistake marriage for intimacy. People mistake relationships for intimacy.

I was that person. Sometimes, I still am.

If you’re someone like me, (aka a bit cold, a bit detached, etc) it’ll be difficult to experience true intimacy. I’ve argued about it with my partner on several occasions, because I thought intimacy was sex. I thought intimacy was a relationship.

Intimacy is…

Shedding your skin. Allowing the walls to crumble. Sharing your thoughts and fears without the security of knowing if the other person will either laugh at you or think you’re insane.

We all want to be understood, we all want to wake up knowing that there’s somebody out there that understands you to your core. That is intimacy.

Intimacy is a two-way street you pave between yourselves. It’s knowing you’ve messed up and admitting it instead of still trying to prove yourself right just because you don’t like being wrong in front of them.

Intimacy is acknowledging their viewpoint and not letting the argument in your head take precedence over their voice when they’re speaking

Intimacy is learning their love language and understanding that they need you to speak in it just as much as you need them to speak in yours

Intimacy is choosing to love every single day, not feeling in love

But sex?

Just because you have sex every day, does not mean you have true intimacy between the two of you.

Just because you signed a paper that says you are married, does not mean that you know what intimacy feels like.

Just because you call them your significant other and you go out on dates, also does not mean you’ve created true intimacy.

Intimacy is something that you consciously have to think about every day. Sort of like feeding your baby every day, sort of like investing in your relationship every single day. You need to invest in your intimacy.

Everybody has their own definition of intimacy. For me, intimacy is often the connection between our minds and bodies.

Being intimate with my partner means late-night talks about our goals and aspirations. Being intimate with my partner means the tangling of our bodies and him knowing how I like my coffee in the morning.

It’s supporting him when I think his ideas are silly, and in return, he does the same. It’s giving them your time when you know they need it, despite you being busy.

Overall, intimacy is a variety of different and beautiful things, and it can change on a daily basis.

What shouldn’t change is your constant effort to nurture and grow your intimacy.

Writer sharing thoughts on self-improvement and relationships. Connect with me: IG: dayana_sabatin YT:

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